My Meditation Journal

I am sorry to have been away so long

2009-05-12T13:11:00.001-04:00

If anyone out there is still following me. I have moved my blog to

http://mindfulnessinaction.wordpress.com/

Be well,

Rafael

Thoughts of Metta

2009-01-07T06:40:00.000-05:00

May I be well happy and peaceful.

How to enjoy paradise when it is only an illusion

2008-12-15T21:10:00.000-05:00

Attachment, clinging, craving, holding on; all these are as natural to me as breathing. As I have conditioned myself over the years and one could argue over the ages in past existences, clinging to the impermanant world is quite a habit.

This comes to mind as I am enjoying my vacation in Sri Lanka and the traps that come with such an experience. Right now I am writing this post from a five star luxury hotel. The atmosphere and service is beyond description. The experience here has been so pleasant that it is beyond tempting to be carried away with it.

In order to truly enjoy something like this I must put it into perspective. First it's not free. I have to pay for this with money I have worked hard to earn; from a job I'm not too crazy about. Second, this is just a temporary thing that is subject to all the things life is subject to. Third, it all comes to an end.

With this in mind I believe that I can cut through the illusions and see this for what it really is and thus be able to enjoy it fully.

Sensual pleasure always comes with dissatisfaction. One teacher described it as "buy one get one free". That will certainly be the case when we leave here. There will be a small part of me that will still want things to remain how they are here.

So, I must let go so that I can be free to enjoy. All good AND bad things come to an end. That being said it's time to enjoy the life I have.

In the land of the Buddhas

2008-12-08T07:26:00.000-05:00

My first visit to Sri Lanka was two years ago. At that time I was still pretty new to Buddhism so visiting Sri Lanka was quite a spiritual awakening for me.

At that time I wasn't practicing much meditation but since then I have developed a consistent routine. I am looking forward to spending some time at the various holy places and hopefully getting a few moments of practice in while there. These are not opportunities that prevent themselves every day.

This morning I had a good session. I had to sit on the bed because the floor is concrete and I have no mat. My soft western bones are in no way able to handle sitting cross legged on a concrete floor.

I am continuing on the meditation subject of impermanence and non self. "I am neither the same thing nor something different"

Be well and keep sitting so you can keep living.

A new Meditation Subject

2008-12-01T06:02:00.000-05:00

Usually my meditation subject has been the sensation of in and out breathing. I have read that one can chose a phrase as we'll for a meditation subject. I have attempted this in the past as an alternative to the breath with little success.

Recently I read something about rebirth that was profound and it has stuck with me. I thought I would give it a try during meditation. So, this morning I thought about this phrase; I am neither the same thing nor something different. The original context was as I mentioned, regarding rebirth. However, close examination shows that this statement has profound relevance to the present moment and the ever changing yet consistent psycho physical organism I call a self.

I will take up this subject from here on out and see where it leads.

What am I Thankful for

2008-11-27T09:21:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving is a big holiday here in the U.S.and has become my favorite holiday.

This holiday will be the first since my mother died back in March and I am really happy my brother flew out to be with us as I haven't seen him sine our mother's funeral.

So, what are you thankful for? I hope that today and every day after you meet with the fruits of all your good deeds; that not only are you blessed but that others are blessed by you.

May you be well happy and peaceful!

Spiritual Burn Out

2008-11-21T10:47:00.002-05:00

I am going through a period of spiritual burn out. Has this ever happened to you? At some point the blows of life, poor choices and the consequences of past decisions just leave you lifeless on the side of the road of life. This has been my experience for the last month. It’s not the first time this has happened but this is the first time that I actually have some insight as to why. And because of this insight I am optimistic that I will pull out of it. So, I just want to take a few lines to outline three things I have observed to be at the root of this current spiritual burn out I am going through.

First of all I am experiencing a different feeling then I have in times of spiritual strength. Generally I have gauged my spiritual progress on how I am feelings. I tend to go as those feelings go and if those feelings don’t arise or do arise I tend to think there is something wrong or right and inevitably I start to slip. So, I am seeing first hand that feelings are not reliable to cling to. They are just phenomena that come and go and trying to hold on to them is like trying to catch the wind in my hands.

Second, I tend to push too hard and have an extreme nature about me. The Buddha didn’t call his teaching the “Middle Path” for nothing. There is a simple brilliance to balance but it is not a state of mind that is easy to gain. I usually take the “eat the whole pie in one bite” approach to my spiritual progress. I want to absorb and gain all the knowledge in the world in one instant. In addition I have the tendency to become a spiritual “pack rat” and “Jack of all trades”. I go around collecting and piling up all things spiritual but not mastering any. Eventually I am mentally cluttered and have no idea what to do with all the “stuff” I have collected. So, I am learning to stick with the basics, develop the fundamentals and form a strong foundation I can work from.

Third, and most important, I have realized the effect that being untruthful can have on my spiritual progress. I told what one may consider a “little white lie”, last month. Telling that lie was like throwing a bucket of water on my spiritual camp fire. It has been really hard to recover from that unskillful action. If I told you what it was you would certainly say it was no big deal but no matter what the opinion the effects can’t be disputed. I learned a lesson from it and I am going to tell you from personal experience that lying can take the wind right out of your spiritual sales no matter how “small” the lie may seem to be.

So, this has been therapeutic for me and I get the sense I will be able to get back on the path, back on the cushion and back in balance. These kinds of experiences are sometimes the best way to learn. I can’t be too hard on myself nor can I be too easy on myself; “I’m” all “I” have to work with. I have learned a lesson that I need act on. We shall see how this all turns out.

I wish you the best of luck in your spiritual journey. I would love to hear your experience and appreciate your encouragement so feel free to leave a comment.

May you be well, happy and peaceful!

Rafael

A Charter for Compassion

2008-11-13T12:04:00.001-05:00

When opportunity knocks

2008-10-20T15:34:00.004-04:00

This past Sunday I drove down to the Bhavana Society meditation Center with my future mother in law. Located in High View, West Virginia we went down for the Katina service where once a year in October a robe is offered to the Buddhist monks by the laity.

I thought I would take this rare opportunity of access to a quiet secluded forest and spend that time under at tree in meditation. So, I dropped my future mother-in law off in front of the main hall and drove along the gravel winding road to find parking. The only spot available was at the very end of the gravel road. I parked the car and opened the trunk, grabbed my cushion and back pack and headed off down a trail to find a suitable location.

I walked for about three minutes or so and found a spot I liked. I cleared a small area that was covered by the autumn foliage and retrieved my blanket from the bag. I laid out the blanket, put on my warm meditation robe and put my cushion down. I took out my singing bowl lit and incense stick and went to work.

The silence and seclusion was just what the proverbial doctor ordered. I sat and alternated with walking meditation for about an hour. I prefer sitting on the soft earth more than I do the floor. It is a support that is so comforting and natural. The time of year and the cool temperature was ideal because I didn't have to worry about my curious or hungry insect friends making me their next meal or temporary home.

After a little more than an hour I walked back down to the main hall and was just in time for lunch. After getting my lunch and reconnecting with my family and friends I slipped away again to go and sit for another hour while the Dhamma talk was given by Bhante G.

I have to say that I was drawn to the crushing silence that was only broken ever so often by wind rattled leaves and the occasional air plane passing overhead.

I was happy and certainly hope that I can find more opportunities in the near future to practice in the forest. While I was sitting I kept my motivation to concentrate by thinking, "This is an opportunity that does not come often. I should not waste it but take full advantage to gain insight into the nature of reality and how this psycho-physical organism I call myself actually works". This was opportunity knocking and I was more than happy to answer!

May you be well, happy and peaceful!

Observing Uposatha

2008-10-14T14:25:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was the first time I have observed Uposatha/Full Moon observance. Wow! Since I was off for Columbus Day I took the opportunity to spend the day in meditation, chanting, and reading. The actually full moon is today but based on all I have read on the observance yesterday was an acceptable day to observe the full moon.

My day began at 4 a.m. with meditation and chanting. I continued all day with a mixture of reading, chanting, walking and sitting meditation, mindfulness and loving kindness meditation.

I took the eight precepts which include three more practices beyond the five I take everyday and one that is just an augment, if you will, being a vow of celibacy as opposed to the vow to abstain from sexual misconduct.

1. Not to participate in any forms of dancing, singing or music.
2. Not to take any meals or solid food after 12:00 noon
3. not to sleep in high beds or sit on high seats.

I have to say that I had so much energy. I thought I would be board and eventually just find myself twiddling my thumbs but that was not the case. I had more than enough to do, so much so I had to force myself to get to bed. My fiance was kind enough to let me sleep on the air mattress on the floor so I was able to keep all eight precepts for the day.

This experience was wonderful and I am glad I had the chance to do it. It was probably the best thing I could do for my mental and emotional well being.

13 Day schedule and Mindfulness Meditation a Buddhist/Mayan Hybrid

2008-09-24T11:46:00.018-04:00

I don't think I have posted anything about how important the combination of the Mayan Calendar and Buddhism have been for my spiritual development (not to mention many of the other Shamanistic, Hindu and other religious beliefs and practices I draw from, but these two are my base). The combination of "true Western” and Eastern spirituality seems to have united both hemispheres of my brain. I am more connected to the biosphere and much more sensitive and spiritual than at any point in my life.

To try and go into great detail and pour everything that is in my head into this post would be really difficult so I am not going to attempt it here, although at times is may seem like I am! I am simply going to detail how I use both traditions in my practice. Based on my experience I am convinced that the Mayan people deeply understood the energies that come with each new day and thus created a calendar that works best with the energies that are created as the earth, solar system and galaxy journey through space and time.

The one aspect of the Mayan Calendar I will deal with on this post is how I work through the 13 day week the Mayans called the Trecena. For the Mayan people each week has a dominant energy that is sort of the thread that runs through those 13 days. In addition every day in that week (13 days) has its own unique energy. I have been able, like a lot of people, to make a comfortable Buddhist Mayan hybrid that has enhanced my spiritual potential and ability to be more in tune with creation. This Calendar is what I use as my foundation for "spiritual time." This East-West combination is what I call the East West Hybrid experience.

So, I'll kind of explain how I use the two. Essentially every morning I wake up and go to my shrine room. I take a look at my Mayan Calendar and see what the energy of that day is. I read over the recommendations on how to work with that energy and mindfully start the day. When the new 13 day week begins I review the notes from the previous week I have made in my journal and make goals for the next week based on the dominant energy for that week. I also lay out my meditation practice schedule and will read from a selection of Buddhist Sutras for those 13 days. So, for example the last 13 day cycle began Tuesday September 23. The dominant energy or thread of energy for the next 13 days of this cycle is the sun sign of Dog and this period is most conducive to enjoying family and friends. So, I simply try to flow with that energy, be mindful of it work with it instead of against it. (The new Trecena begins this Monday 10/6/08).

In addition, during the next thirteen days I will practice an aspect of Metta Meditation and work on developing the 1st Jhana stage of concentration meditation. I also look ahead in the week and try to make certain plans based on the energies that may be more conducive for my goals and purposes. One example is that I post to this blog on the sun sign of Wind ( which comes around every 20 days). This is the Mayan sun sign I was born under and is most conducive to spirituality, communication and new ideas. This is one example of how I try to cooperate and use these spiritual energies. So, once I have taken a look at the calendar and get an idea on the energy for the day I start practicing loving kindness meditation in which I quietly recite the following:

May I be well happy and peaceful,
May no harm come to me,
May I always meet with spiritual success,
May I also have patience, courage, understanding and determination to meet and overcome inevitable difficulties, problems and failures in life.
May I always rise above them with morality, integrity, forgiveness, compassion, mindfulness and wisdom.

May my parents...
May my teachers...
May my relatives...
May my friends...
May all indifferent persons...
May all unfriendly persons...
May all living beings...

From there I move into concentration practice by following the breath and once I have gained some level of concentration I transition into mindfulness or insight meditation.

As I go through the day I work to stay present and mindful of the moment to moment experience of existence and also tune in to the energies that the day has created. Each hour on the hour I stop what I'm doing and think:

May I be free of envy,
May I be free of hatred,
May I be free of worry,
May my mind be peaceful,
Just like me, may all beings, all living beings, all beings awaiting birth,
May they be free of envy,
May they be free of hatred,
May they be free of worry,
May their minds be peaceful,
May they be free of sorrow,
May they not be separated from happiness they have achieved.

I also practice this meditation in the evening when I get home as well. When the new 13 day period begins (10/6/08) I will start practicing what is called Odisa Pharana Metta which expands thoughts of loving kindness to more specific groups of people. As I mentioned earlier I also pick a particular teaching from the Buddha and that will be my lesson for the next 13 days.

The thing I like most about the Mayan Calendar is its potential to bind all of humanity together which is most certainly the case for loving kindness meditation as well.

Regarding the Mayan calendar, these energies are not specific to a particular time of birth, although that element is there, but for the most part every one, if they tune into the same station sort of speak, can pick up the same signal and work together in a harmonic way. This is not to say that everyone is going to experience the same energy in the same way. It’s not that cut and dry. Some people will experience the energies in positive or negative ways. The point is to learn how to flow with them and not to try and control them but to work with those energies. For me this is where the Buddhist teachings that all conditioned things are impermanent, involve suffering and are without a permanent self help to negotiate through the constant flux of existence.

If you are interested in exploring this spiritual "East-West hybrid" there are two web sites I rely heavily upon for information and learning. For the Mayan Calendar there is the Mayan Majix web site. Mayan Majix produces a wonderful daily planner and other articles about the Mayan Calendar. For instruction on Buddhist Meditation, I follow the Theravada branch of Buddhism, there is the Bhavana Society web site. Here you can down load guided meditations to practice along with talks.

This has worked really well for me as I have searched for the best practice that suits my temperament and goals. If you find it helpful as you move along your spiritual path that would be great.

May you be well, happy and peaceful! May only the best things in life be your experience.

Mad Drunken Monkey Mind

2008-09-15T15:26:00.004-04:00

Last evening I sat on my balcony finishing a book and smoking a cigar. It is my monthly vice and something I look forward to while the weather is still nice. Generally I read some type of revolutionary material, lately it has been Chè but yesterday I had a book I needed to finish so I read that. The sun was going down so I was really puffing on that cigar and it left me feeling ill all day today. I generally take about two to three hours reading, puffing and babysitting a glass of red wine but again I was trying to rush and boy, am I suffering for it today. In addition to having no energy I am suffering from “mad drunken monkey mind” which isn’t helping at all.

This morning my meditation time was hard to get through. First of all it was a struggle to get up at 4:00 a.m. and stay up. Monday is always a little hard because I tend to stay up a little later and sleep in a little later as well on weekends so it can be like being thrown into a cold shower sometimes. I did get through the sitting but dozed off a few times and couldn’t really gain any concentration. I did however gently transition into mindfulness meditation to watch this frame of mind jump all over the place. It was really like a wild animal trapped inside my head! I went back to bed and slightly begged my fiancé if we could take the day off from the gym because I was not feeling well and thankfully she agreed.

As the day has gone on I have given a great deal of thought to a few things. First has been developing kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity or as they are collectively known, the Four Divine Abodes. Lately I have become more aware and willing to strive to be harmless in all my interactions and communications with people and especially those closest to me. For most of my life I have had the tendency to be quite manipulative and have a way of making myself look better by making others look bad. I certainly take advantage of this if I know one side does not particularly like the other. I am determined to be mindful of this behavior and to put a stop to it.

Today’s field trip with the Mad Drunken Monkey mind has also given me the opportunity to better understand how concentration and mindfulness can transition into each other given the proper conditions. So if my mind is jumping all over the place and I am unable to gain concentration on breathing I can use my frame of mind as a subject of meditation if you will. Where is the mind going and where has it been? Has it been in the past or the future and what kind of feelings am I experiencing in the process? This brings me to the other interesting point I spent time contemplating. Just how many minds do I have anyway? Conventional wisdom would perhaps say one mind but my experience says there is possibly one mind that is getting bombarded by faster than light thoughts or even two or three minds or even more which in some cases are able to stand back and observe other minds. (Ultimately from the sense of non self I don’t have nor own anything, there is just mind and the conditions that produce the phenomena of mind but no “mind that is mine”).

I recall hearing someone ask Bhante G the question about what is it that observes the mind and his response was “mind observes mind”. Certainly this mind that rises and falls with boggling rapidity is capable of so much more than I have been “mindful” of in the past.
Finally, this experience today got me thinking more about one of the steps in the Noble Eightfold Path called Right Effort. It reads:

“Here (in this teaching), bhikkhus, a bhikkhu generates an intention, makes effort, rouses energy, applies his mind, and strives ardently to prevent the arising of evil, unwholesome states of mind that have not yet arisen.

He generates an intention, makes effort, rouses energy, applies his mind, and strives ardently to abandon evil, unwholesome states of mind that have arisen.
He generates an intention, makes effort, rouses energy, applies his mind, and strives ardently to attain wholesome states of mind that have not yet arisen.

He generates an intention, makes effort, rouses energy, applies his mind, and strives ardently to maintain the wholesome states of mind that have arisen, to prevent their lapsing, to increase them, to cause them to grow, and to completely develop them. This, bhikkhus, is called Right Effort.”

In the moments when I find myself day dreaming or ego and castle building I can practice Right Effort. Of course Right Effort can and should be practiced at all times but it’s these aimless mind wanderings that make me think about this step of Right Effort and how beneficial it is. So much of my time is spent generating subconscious and conscious karmic volition. Even while I am working my mind can be off somewhere creating scenarios where I am setting my boss straight or humiliating someone with my sharp wit or being the most handsome guy in the room. So many times I am off in an alternate reality building my ego and hurting people in the process that these rouge thoughts and wanderings become the behavior I express to people. The Bible and the Buddha both say “as a man thinks so is he.”

So Right Effort is a great cure for this problem of telling myself stories I want to here and putting endings to them where I am always the hero, always the winner and the survivor. Do you experience any of this too? Right Effort is not simply telling myself better or more acceptable stories but instead being mindful of the frame of mind I want to develop.

Mad Drunken Monkey Mind is not some Kung Fu fighting style it is a state of mind that needs to be observed in a detached manner with mindfulness. It is mindfulness that leads to insight as to the nature of this ever rising and dissolving phenomenon I perceive as a self.
I have to say that I have also gained a slightly better understanding and appreciation of how the physical state can upset a tranquil mind. That cigar left my body in a state of morbidity and my mind felt the consequences. The good thing about the mind is that you don’t have to wait long before a new one comes along.

May you be well, happy and peaceful!

Jhana

2008-09-04T15:48:00.006-04:00

I down loaded a guided Meditation retreat from the Bhavana Society web site on Jhana meditation by Bhante G. Wow!

Lately I have been working really hard to practice loving kindness and developing the four sublime states as a way to improve my practice. Even though I still can be impatient, experience moments of anger and hate along with many other flaws, I am noticing an overall improvement and finding my time on the cushion more productive, relatively speaking.

The guided Jhana meditation was nothing short of profound this morning. Bhate G helped clear up alot of things, specifically how Vipassana and Jhana Meditation work together. I had always thought they were completely separate and until now I had no idea that I could work with both at the same time if need be. For me it was like the missing piece in my daily practice. It put me on track and gave me access to a much needed teacher.

In the past I've tried to go on retreats to the Bhavana Society but was unable to attend for one reason or another. I do go for most of the Buddhist holidays and it is such a wonderful place to experience peace and tranquility. I am glad they make these retreats available because it has certainly helped me and I am sure others as well.

The 4 Sublime States

2008-08-26T12:09:00.002-04:00

Love, Compassion, Sympathetic Joy and Equanimity.

It's starting to click. The path to concentration can be found in these four sublime states of mind.

Tenfold Compassion Tenfold Cruelty

2008-08-12T12:05:00.001-04:00

It’s been a week or so since I last practiced loving kindness meditation (more like a month!). So, yesterday evening I made good on my promise to practice. For me there is nothing easy about meditation either physically or mentally; which, interestingly, is a good way to contemplate impermanence, suffering, and non self.

As I struggled through the session the thought came to me, what if every time I committed an unfriendly or hateful action toward another living being the person(s) I loved most received similar treatment but only tenfold? Similarly, what if every act of compassion and kindness I demonstrated toward any living being resulted in the person(s) I loved most receiving similar treatment but only tenfold?

I thought about this and wondered to myself, if I treat someone at work, for instance, in an unkind manner could that action really affect the person(s) I love the most and possibly tenfold? The more I thought about it the more I realized that indeed it can.

If I become angry with a co worker, personally, I will only go so far in expressing my displeasure. I will certainly not curse at them. I wouldn’t just walk away in the middle of a disagreement and I certainly wouldn’t tell them to shut up or anything like that. Instead I have to look for a more subtle manner to express my anger. I might play some office politics or try and make them look bad, talk about them to other co workers or my favorite just be passive aggressive. I may do little things that I know get under their skin just to be spiteful and vengeful.

For the most part my behavior is in check. There are certain rules I have to follow in order to avoid being fired or disciplined. Most often that anger is just pinned up deep inside and hateful and angry feelings are stored up and played over and over again in my head.

I know I am not the only one out there who takes certain emotional liberties with my loved ones that I don’t generally take with the outside world. For some reason I have been deluded into thinking it can be acceptable to unleash the full force of my wrath on my loved ones. I have never cursed out my boss but I certainly have done this to my lover. Little acts of meanness at work, in traffic or at the grocery store have many times translated to tenfold fits of anger acted out upon my loved ones which is most unfortunate.

The same holds true with acts of compassion. I have noticed that acts of compassion and kindness toward the outside world tend to make me far more tender and loving at home and with the people I care most about and vice versa, being kind and loving at home helps me to reciprocate that to others. The other component is how these two mental states, cruelty and compassion affect me. More and more I realize that the being that I call me is the sum total of actions. Compassionate actions create a compassionate being while cruel actions create a cruel being and a mix of the two creates a hybrid!

So, this thought stays with me. By being compassionate and kind I am creating a peaceful mental state for myself, my family and friends. They will love to have me around and will be comforted by my presence. By being hateful and cruel I bring upon myself, my family and friends sorrow and pain. They don’t want to have me around because I am negative and hateful. With the understanding that hurting others leads to great suffering for my loved ones at my own hand I must do all I can to develop and practice a compassionate heart and with my own hand be a blessing to all those I contact.

May you be well, happy and peaceful!

The Joker

2008-07-23T13:03:00.001-04:00

My mind has taught my body countless conditioned responses and habits for the purpose of being able to run off and create alternate realities. I have seen this behavior and it is now exposed. My mind has played the Joker and like a good friend I kindly admonish it to cease with its foolery and be aware and awake to the true nature of things.

A spiritual time

2008-07-18T12:57:00.003-04:00

I have never really paid much attention to time or the lack thereof when it comes to my spiritual development. I have been slowly familiarizing myself with the 13 moon Dream spell Calendar and the Mayan Calendar. Both of these are just as similar as they are different and I am intuitively learning how to combine the two.

This new concept of observing time in a new and different paradigm for me helps me to monitor my spiritual development, to become more mindful and aware of my progression. It is with this that I say July has been an interesting month to say the least for my spiritual development.

I have become closer and closer to nature with my flower garden, garden plot and bird feeder. I performed two Dana services, one for my mom and the other for Himashi's dad. I have meditated a few times out doors and just last evening I meditated as the full moon rose into the night sky and then did some gazing with my telescope. It was a really spiritual experience.

Intuitively I have been feeling a strong pull toward a more spiritual and calm life. However, my meditation sessions have met with much difficulty and hindrance. It appears that the more I learn and attempt to apply and practice, the more my mind, old habits, and fundamentally ignorance resist the effort. It has become quite difficult but the thing is that I know what is happening.

I read something to day on twitter about Vassa and it really gave me a good boost spiritually. I didn't know that Vassa was in some ways similar to Catholic Lent. This is encouraging because it allows me to make a good conscious effort over the next three months to devote to extra practice.

I have a lot more to write about so I need to keep up with the posts a little better than I have been. Funny how some of this post is about the topic of time.

Four Months

2008-07-01T23:29:00.001-04:00

Today marked four months since my mother died. There is nothing really significant about four months but my fiance thought it would be nice if we went to the Buddhist Temple to have a puja service in her memory.

It was really nice of her to think of doing this and going to the temple and performing devotional and wholesome deeds on behalf of my departed mother is very comforting. We spent about two hours at the Wheaton Temple with the head monk and it was really nice.

For the service the monks chanted various Buddhist Sutras and asked that we all hold good thoughts in our hearts and minds for my mother. The combination of the monks chanting and loving, compassionate thoughts for my mother was soothing and euphoric. It is nice to be able to think about mom in a positive and loving way in a such a calm, compassionate and supportive environment that the monks and the temple provide. The monks are reassuring and don't try to skirt around the realities of life and death.

This is a great service, because there are moments which I am sure we all share when the memories of our our lost loved ones creep into our minds seemingly out of nowhere. The timing may not be convenient or perhaps we have unpleasant memories or feelings of crushing guilt. Normally we usually don't think of setting up a controlled time and environment when we can really think about our lost loved ones and actively work with any feelings we may have. This ceremony provides that opportunity. Today I had the chance to think about mom and hold her close to my mind and heart in a manner that is healthy and helpful for the grieving process. I had all the time I needed and did not have to be bothered with getting back to work or having to do this or that. No, this time was for her and I and I was happy to have it and thankful that my fiance and her mother took time to share it with me as well.

I certainly plan to take advantage of this service whenever I can. As I said it is really helpful and in such a busy world where the demands of life don't tend to allow you to stop and reflect on loss it's nice to know I have this option whenever I need it and that there are compassionate monks that are available for me when I need them.

May you be well, happy and peaceful!

Anger has consequences

2008-07-01T13:36:00.002-04:00

I went to bed angry last night and woke up in the same state of mind. I didn't feel like getting up to sit so I slept in. I had a long day yesterday and was still pretty tired and that coupled with being angry, there was not much motivation to practice.

Himashi arranged for me to go to the temple. Today is four months since my mom died. Tonight I will go and offer flowers, food, and incense to the Buddha for her, to transfer merits in her behalf. This will be a good meritorious act and one I will be happy to perform.

Setteling down

2008-06-29T09:06:00.003-04:00

I am sure that in a previous post I dealt with how I need to get back to the basics of the Middle Way. I tend to get overwhelmed with all the "deep" teachings and never really get a complete handle on anything.

A couple of weeks ago I intuitively realized that for my spiritual practice I need to really get a handle on the Four Noble Truths. This is the foundation, the bedrock of the Middle Way. The Buddha said that it was not until he penetrated these truths completely that he could attain Enlightenment.

So here I go. This will be my course and my pursuit. I know that I will still read and investigate all the the things that tend to catch my interest, (for instance the book I bought yesterday about Edgar Cayce, purchased for the most part because it was 50% off.) but my base will be the Four Noble Truths.

Why am I always better?

2008-06-25T16:22:00.002-04:00

I recently noticed how critical I am. Whenever I see someone do something different from how I would do it I think to myself how stupid they are. I know I'm not the only one that does this. We all do it. I am tired of being so critical and tired of complaining all the time.

Last evening I had the impression that I really need to step up my practice and really strive harder. I have been going half speed and have been a little frustrated with my results. The reality is that I am getting back what I am putting in so there it is. If I want better results I need to work harder developing my spiritual life and virtue.

Beginning to see

2008-06-20T05:54:00.002-04:00

There are many things about the nature of the world that I understand intellectually. When I read about impermanence, for example, it makes sense but when I experience it, particularly during meditation, it is nothing short of profound.

This morning as I quietly sat in my shrine room I began to slowly absorb the reality that nothing is permanent and all phenomena that is based on conditions is in a constant state of flux. While I focused on my breath I experienced an itch right on the inside of my nose. Talk about torture! It was interesting because I actually experienced the itch right when it came up. My first reaction was to reach up and scratch it but instead I decided to observe it and the feelings that came along with it. In some of my previous posts I have gone into great detail about my itching experiences so I will forgo that in this post. However, once again sitting still and watching how the body works is quite a revelation in impermanence.

Even more so I am beginning to see how my feelings and emotions are tied into what is happening with the body mind complex whether from physical, mental or non physical or mental stimulation. The feelings of despair and the idea that I might go insane over this itch were to some degree comical. On the other hand it is serious to understand how a particular experience produces certain feelings. I think that I will begin to approach these feelings associated with sense pleasures more closely.

The Early Bird

2008-06-19T05:31:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I slept in until about 5:30 so I started my meditation a little late. I was tired and figured that even though I was about an hour and a half late that was still enough time to sit comfortably and have time to get ready for the day.

I have converted one of the storage closets on my balcony into a shrine room and on the balcony I have a bird feeder. So, as I sat in meditation the bird feeder was attracting many beautiful birds. I couldn't help but to be distracted and would find myself with my eyes open and enjoying the birds.

So this morning I determined that I had to get up before they did so that I would not be tempted to bird watch.

The lessons of Impermanence

2008-06-16T05:20:00.004-04:00

"All conditioned things are Impermanent. When once sees this with wisdom one turns away from suffering, this is the path to purity."

As I sat in meditation this morning I watched the rise and falling of my breathing and then focused on the impermanence of each breath. I followed the beginning the middle and the end of each in and out breath and noticed how each breath is different and non lasting.

Eventually my legs began to go numb and I had a chance to observe the pain as it started to rise, peak and then fade away. Usually when my legs go numb I all but want to die! This time I stayed with every moment of the pain... Every moment was a new moment so the experience was a moment to moment experience, meaning each moment had a beginning middle and end. I sat calmly and gained some insight into impermanence.

How does that translate off the cushion when phenomena is moving at faster than the speed of light? If I can be mindful to find my breath when there is conflict and recall that all conditioned things are impermanent I may be able to use any situation as a meditation tool right then and there. I can observe and see the situation as it really is. So, my goal it to take this morning's experience and apply it to the full speed situation of life.

In addition, for the next 8 weeks I'll be studying the Noble Eightfold Path. This week is Right Understanding...More to come on that.

May you be well, happy and peaceful!

Getting Back to the Basics

2008-06-15T21:09:00.003-04:00

I think I may have eluded to this in a prior post but I need to get back to the basics with my meditation practice. Lately I have been kind of all over the map, distracted by other spiritual paths. I have been really diving into gaining a better understanding of ancient traditions and how they seemed to be universal in consciousness. I could go on and on with examples but this is not the point of my post.

What I am trying to get at is that all this stuff is wonderful. I have tried to incorporate all that I am learning and actually apply it to my practice. The only thing is that while it is enriching it really has not helped me in the area of meditation. So I am resolved to get back to the basics. The basics? It's really simple. The Four Noble Truths. This is what I have to strive to understand and what I am determined to do. I alwasy get distracted, even in Buddhism with all the metaphysical and philosophical stuff. I read and read but there is so much that I really never get a good foundation. The Buddha once said about his teachings, "I teach suffering, the cuase of suffering, the cure for suffering and the path that leads to the cure, nothing else." I tend to and I think we all tend to want the most complicated parts of the teachings. However, the Buddha says that it wasn't until he understoond the Four Noble Truths that he was able attain Enlightenment. They seem simple but they are enough to occupy a life time. The purpose of my meditation practice is to gain insight into the Four Noble Truths. This is the path I must walk and stay on.

Wish me well.

May you be well, happy, and peaceful!

Journey to the Center A Meditation Workbook

2008-06-15T06:49:00.004-04:00

Recently I purchased a Meditation Workbook entitled Journey to the Center by Matthew Flickstein. This book is a wonderful combination of psychotherapy and meditation practice. I would highly recommend this book for anyone interested in mindfulness meditation. Flikcstein helps you get though many of the psychological obstacles that tend to get in the way of being able to practice effectively...Really good stuff. You can order it through Wisdom Publications

A little off track

2008-06-14T17:24:00.003-04:00

This morning while I was on the cushion an old insight came to visit me. A while I go I realized that what I do on the cushion effects what I do off the cushion and what I do off the cushion effects what I do on the cushion. This insight and getting back to the Four Noble Truths are the foundation upon which I need to build my practice.

I've been a little distracted lately and I have not been standing on that foundation. I've kind of been all over the place spiritually; chasing every 2012 book or article, obsessing over the signs of the times etc. etc. I realized today that I need to get back to the basics and that will be my goal.

The stroires I tell myself

2008-06-13T11:44:00.004-04:00

“Tell me a story.” Those of us who have children are no strangers to this request made by our children before they go to bed at night. We tell them stories to bring comfort, safety and possibly provide them with content for sweet dreams. I think back to the bed time stories I read to my daughter when she was a small child. She loved Goodnight Moon, Guess How Much I Love You, Runaway Bunny and practically any book from the Margret Wise Brown collection. I read these stories to her hoping to convey messages about how the world works, how I feel about her and to give her a sense of innocence that I wanted her to keep for as long as possible.

During my morning meditation I had a chance to see that it wasn’t just my daughter that I told stories to. In past meditations when my attention turned away from the breath to my wandering thoughts I would simply get lost in the phantasmagoric scenes. However, Once I realized I was day dreaming I would return to my breath not fully aware of what just happened. However, this morning it became crystal clear to me that I was indeed telling myself stories. In a rare instance I actually watched these thoughts rise, peak and fade. For the first time I actually observed the content and I realized that these stories were like the fairy tales I used to tell my daughter only I was the main character and the stories I put myself in were nowhere even close to reflecting reality. It was like watching something sinister take place, a little devil on my shoulder moment. I gained some insight today that I have gone through life as a “fictional” character that exists in my head but not outside of it and suddenly many things that I understood intellectually about the ego was revealed in a more tangible way through practice.

I found this very interesting and marveled at how easy it was for me “get into character.” I was immediately flooded with questions, “how long had this been going on?” “Is this how I get by in life when things don’t go my way?” “I just mentally recreate reality so I can feel better about a situation?” “Is this what I do when I am making breakfast, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, driving to work or doing anything that can be done on auto pilot?” This was quite a revelation, I had come face to face with delusion and I got the feeling I haven’t even scratched the surface yet “How deep does this go?” I wondered.

This is something I intend to watch in meditation and as much as possible when I am off the cushion as well. I realized today that for years I have been telling myself some real “fishing stories” and I have certainly fallen victim to believing my own press. I think the hardest part was not being judgmental. I have to remember that this process of discovery will reveal things that are not really comfortable, but after all I am all I have to work with. I can’t beat myself down and expect to get results. All and all I hope I can start telling fewer stories.

May you be well, happy and peaceful!

One of the best things that could happen to our earth and all life on it.

2008-05-30T22:36:00.001-04:00

The soaring cost of fuel is putting many people in quite a pinch financially. Depending on where you are on the economic food chain determines how much you are hurting right now. There are some who are not feeling it yet, others who are starting to be a little uncomfortable and then there are those who are suffering unimaginably because the little income they have goes completely for food and when it costs more to ship that food the cost goes up and they end up starving.
I have seen and heard people make suggestions on how to stick it to “Big Oil”. Some have suggested not buying any gas or only purchase gas from the smaller companies. Truckers have protested by driving 55 miles an hour on the highway (not sure why that would be a bad thing) and it goes on and on.

Personally, I have kicked around the idea that as many people as possible should disconnect their cable and internet services on the same day and refuse to purchase music, DVD’s or go to a movie until gas becomes affordable again. It is clear that the “American People” really have no voice for the most part especially in government. If everyone united to give up the things we use to stick our heads in to escape reality than those industries would certainly want to send their powerful lobbyists to talk to our elected officials about gas prices. If you pinch one big industry they will start knocking on oil’s door.

Certainly there is a big part of me that wants to fight the power and look for ways to start a revolution. However, today I spent a lot of time outside thinking about our environment and the state of our world. It dawned on me that this is really the best thing that could happen to us. For years we have consumed and consumed at the expense of the poor, the environment and all living things and now we are reaping the karmic fruits of our actions. Now that fuel prices are so high we want to blame the big oil companies when most of the fault lies with us. They have simply been our pusher and when there is more demand and dwindling supply the price has to go up.

I think that the looming financial and energy crisis is really the only way we are going to be able to save our planet and ourselves if indeed there is time. We have to see clearly what our reckless disregard for the environment which has been all in the name of prosperity has led to. We are headed for a situation where we may have to reset to a pre industrial revolution existence in order to survive.

This time it’s not a meteor or an ice age that will wipe out life, it’s us. We are going to be responsible for the mass extinction of millions of life forms all because we wanted luxury and comfort and the crazy thing is less than 1% of the human race is actually happy! What a shame! We are never satisfied and once we get high off of materialism we move to the next big thing to keep the high going, essentially never finding satisfaction. Perhaps the looming crisis will spawn a new consciousness that is more in tune with the pulse of life and the cosmos. Perhaps we will get to a point where machines and technology, governments and differences between cultures, races and gender will finally be irrelevant.

As for me I am not going to complain about the cost of gas any longer. The more the prices go up the more I become aware of my consumption and really start seeing how much I could do without. I don’t have to sit in the drive thru at Dairy Queen burning gas like it‘s 99 cents a gallon, I can take my lazy ass inside instead. When I get ready to buy a new car I can buy a Hybrid or walk more or take the train. The higher gas gets the more I fall out of love with the automobile and the more I want to do my part to create a cleaner and better world for my children and my friend’s children. The more things start to fall apart the more I want to do better, not just for me but for everybody and everything.

Something had to happen to get our attention and perhaps hitting us in the wallet may be what gets our attention. Hopefully such a shallow repentance will lead to sincere reform and genuine love for the planet and all that call it home.

May you be well, happy and peaceful!

It feels like the end of the world is at hand

2008-05-15T11:12:00.001-04:00

For years I believed that Jesus Christ was soon to return and destroy the earth. I lived with the hope that all the old would be destroyed and the world would be made anew. I longed for the day when evil would finally be vanquished and a just God would rule over all the earth.

When I left Christianity, some ten years ago, I had to dismiss this belief. First it certainly would not bode well for me if I believed that Christ would return, separate the wheat from the chaff and burn the chaff in eternal fire. Second, this idea of an end of the world from a Christian perspective in light of science just didn’t seem logical. I soon put down my spiritual ways and gravitated toward the realm of science and became skeptical of all things spiritual or unexplained. However, my independent study in various sciences such as biology, astronomy, and physics made me more spiritual in a sense.

No matter how far I tried to get from Christianity there was always something intuitively that did not want to forsake my original belief. One can write this off to a psychological attachment to my mother belief system but I know that this is not the case. For a long time I fought Christianity and attacked the belief I once held so dear. However, the more my understanding grew in Buddhism the more I could really appreciate and embrace the message of Christianity again. I realized that my problem was not with Jesus or God, instead it was with the rigid dogmatic adherence to the belief that the Bible is the only and infallible description of God. It was dualistic thinking, the idea that it had to be one way or the other that made me think I had to either be “for or against”

I do believe that the Bible was written and inspired by holy men and women but not all of it. Further more there is so much other literature that has been left out that does not agree with the conventional neatly packaged stuff or organized religion. How did I come to that conclusion? Intuitively and logically there are just some things that can not be reconciled with a compassionate God. Perhaps for others but for me many of the accounts, especially the whole Promised Land doctrine just didn’t sit right. There was a time in my life when I thought it was perfectly justified for Old Testament Heroes like Moses, Joshua, David, Saul, Samuel and the Judges to commit what would amount to genocide and ethnic cleansing in today’s world because they were acting under the direction of God.

That thinking, that being comfortable with the unthinkable, made me very insensitive to some of the most appalling events in my life time. I simply saw them as signs that pointed toward the end with little or no compassion for the poor beings who suffered such things. It has become clear to me that much of what is in the Bible is simply a spin campaign to justify murder, hate and division. It does not mean that the book itself is evil, that God does not exist or that there will be no “New Earth” and this is where I made the mistake. It’s not too uncommon that many Christians themselves do not accept everything that is in the Bible and in fact many have probably never read it completely through. Nevertheless, they still believe that it is the complete and only revelation of God.

I think that the over dependence on scripture to define ones spiritual experience kills the real engine of spirituality which is intuition. Certainly scriptures are good but I think they are best served to be a sort of guide. However, the real work is done in the actions of “loving your enemies” “doing for the least of these” “clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, supporting the widow, and praying without ceasing”. Now, I should say that this became very clear to me while in college studying theology. I learned that the Bible was not the Bible I thought it was. Meaning, there was certainly a lot more of man’s fingerprints than I thought for a book that was completely inspired by God. There were many instances where scribes and religious leaders clearly manipulated texts to fit in line with their own beliefs or simply just made mistakes.

The Bible is also Western Civilization’s primary source for prophecy, particularly the book of Revelation. Now, for the skeptic, Bible prophesies are nothing more than a fantastical control method imposed on believers by religious institutions. For the fundamentalist this is the hope when all the bad people are destroyed and burned for all eternity and all the good people finally get their reward. For me it simply echoes what spiritual human beings have been saying for years and intuitive people are sensing and that is a dramatic shift in consciousness.

This will not be the first time that the world as we know it will come to an end. There have been many consciousness shifts throughout human history and even in my life time I have observed quantum leaps in consciousness and the way society and the world at large think and act.

I get the sense, based on intuition and the research my intuition has led me to that the end of the world as I know and understand it is soon to come. The Mayan Calendar puts the date at the year 2012 and it would seem like we are right on schedule. A change in thinking for many people; a shift in consciousness would certainly too much to handle. I have since let go of belief in the dogmatic sense. I am learning every day that the universe is dynamic and connected and full of surprises, which are only surprises because of dualistic thinking. We are shocked by the things that do not agree with how we have convinced ourselves they are. The conscious transition from a materialistic consciousness to a spiritual one will be earth shattering and certainly feel like an eternal hell for those unable and unwilling to move with the flow.

The return of “Jesus Christ” may very well be an archetype for the return of a superior consciousness that is actually consciously co-created by all living beings. It is simply time and whether we are aware or unaware we are ending one state of consciousness to usher in another one.

I can’t give a date. I can’t guarantee anything. I can’t tell you how it will be but I feel it in the very core of my being. Perhaps the book of Revelation and its description of a New Heaven and a New Earth is a guide to what is to come. This change will be very unfortunate for many but the most fortunate thing is that all spiritual beings will be able to participate and be unified by a single consciousness that is not divisive or dogmatic or based on only one religious belief. There is hope for every body that wants a better world and is willing to live a life that centers on love and compassion for all living beings. It will be a day when there is no title for a believer; he or she will just be a more conscious spiritual being.

Seeing

2008-05-13T16:26:00.001-04:00

I saw something this morning during meditation. While sitting on the cushion in my shrine room, my mind started to wander away from my breath and I began thinking about a situation that has come about in my life and has been bothering me a great deal. As my mind fixated on this unpleasant situation I started to do what I have conditioned myself to do since I can remember. I began telling myself alternate stories by creating hypothetical scenarios in my mind. In every mental scenario I was the victim and I was the one who was the good guy. I was feeding into my self righteous ego and once again telling myself in a sanctified way how good I am and how bad “they” are.

As I fed into these delusions, out of the periphery of my conscious I saw something very clearly and I began to direct my attention there. I observed that anger, hatred and envy were strongly present in me and it was then that I resolved to calmly observe what has happening. The rush of negative emotion began to slow down somewhat and I observed and acknowledged that these were just feelings and that they were impermanent. However, as I watched them come and go I noticed that they were still with me and as one hateful feeling passed it seemed to give rise to another new feeling and they just kept coming. As I calmly watched it seemed as if time began to stand still. The construct that is feeling and emotion which normally moves at the speed of light was suddenly moving in slow motion. I could plainly see that it was my craving and clinging to these emotions that gave rise and new life to what seemed like a never ending rushing flood of negative emotion.

I finished my meditation with a sense of knowing that I had never experienced before that moment. However, it wasn’t long after that I was in a situation where I was very angry. In spite of that situation I find great comfort in what I achieved on the cushion. For the first time I was absolutely sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that as I grow stronger on the cushion I will grow stronger when I am off of it. In time I will be able to catch these emotions long before they mature and eventually I will lift the veil of ignorance and free myself from my self imposed prison of delusion.

Carving a path

2008-01-16T10:44:00.000-05:00

I am doing it. I am getting there. Slowly deliberately but confidently and with great faith I am moving forward. I am training myself. I am starting to better understand the things that make me what I am.

I am progressing along the path and I grow more determined to continue. I am methodically pressing forward and my happiness increases. When trying to describe meditation I lack the language to describe the experience. For most of my life I have run from reality and embraced fantasy. Now it is the reverse and in reality, just the few glimpses I have been fortunate to grasp, has offered far more promise, hope, and wonder than anything fantasy could ever hope to give.

The more I understand the true nature of existence the more I see how boundless my potential is. The slow deconstruction of the mythical ego is making things I never thought possible a reality. I can be free. Finally I can be free from greed, hatred, delusion and ultimately ignorance. When it will happen I do not know but it will happen I know it. I am on the path and there is no doubt in my mind I will arrive.

Losing my Non Self

2008-01-09T14:38:00.000-05:00

I have been stalled as of late. I am in a mental rut and I have not had the energy to meditate lately. I have had some significant life changes that have brought me great worldly happiness but in addition to the temporary happiness I have become spiritually complaisant.

I am so blessed and fortunate in my life but I have to remember that all conditioned things are impermanent, involve suffering and are without a self. I am losing my non self and I am trying to stay mindful of the fact nothing, even the bliss and heavenly state I have been in for the past month is permanent. I have to let the experience be what it is without becoming attached and the only real way to accomplish this is to gain insight through meditation.

This probably doesn't make much sense because I am being so vague. So let me be a little clearer.The new year has already brought financial and personal improvements in my life. The greatest thing is that I am one month away from being engaged and this has made me extremely happy. I have been reborn in a heavenly realm and I am lost in the bliss of this state. It will not last forever but I have to say it is the first time in my life things have been so good. I have to keep things in perspective, I have to understand that conditions come and go.

At any rate I have to get back on the cushion.

Wish me well.

The danger of guilt

2008-01-05T20:46:00.000-05:00

Guilt is something we all deal with. We are all prone to be unreasonably hard on ourselves which can in many cases be self destructive and hurt spiritual progress. I am learning to find a balance between what is legitimate guilt and and what will keep me from actually progressing along the spiritual path. It's ok for me to feel bad about immoral actions but that guilt should not make me feel as if I can no longer progress along the spiritual path.

How deep does craving go?

2007-12-24T10:28:00.001-05:00

There is something called memory foam. I have seen it advertised in pillows, mattresses and cushions, where the foam forms to the contours of the body and "remembers" you.

The body is kind of like memory foam as well and during one of my meditations I realized just how deep craving and memories go. Memories are not just confined to the brain but it appears that they also are stored in the body as well. Here is what I mean. I was sitting in meditation when I observed an itch arising on my side. It was in perfect striking distance for a good scratch and before I knew it I was fantasizing about getting a good scratch in to relieve this itch.

However, instead of breaking my posture I gently observed the itch phenomena. I watched how it grew and retracted increasing and decreasing in intensity. I observed my breathing start to quicken and my thoughts beginning to race with anticipation. I watched and watched until the itch went away. Now this is not the first time I have done this, however in a past experience long after the itch was gone I reached over anyway to scratch it and even though it seemed like it was there it wasn't. It was weired because the itch was seemingly still there to scratch even though I knew it was gone and when I went to scratch it the scratch brought no relief; I might has well have just scratched the air.

I noted this when it happened and since itching is pretty common during meditation I figured one day I would have the opportunity to deal with this again but now I would take on this "body memory"phenomena as a subject to gain insight into what this meant.

So now here I was again with the itch and I was going to see if I would experience the same thing i did before. After the itch had passed I keenly observed what was happening next. It appeared that even though the itch was gone, my body was remembering the event and still longing for the scratch even though a scratch was no longer necessary. It was amazing to me because independent of any thinking the body was having a memory and a "craving" completely on its own. This brought to mind the Maha Satipattana Sutta where the Buddha teaches how to observe the true nature of the body "And how Bhikkhus does a bhikkhu dwell perceiving again and again the body as just the body, not mine, not I, not self but just a phenomena?" It became instantly clear to me, through experience, that craving is so deeply rooted in the body that it can condition itself to expect instant gratification once it contacts the mind. Subconsciously when I get an itch I instantly respond to scratch it and experience a great feeling of relief which happens over and over again without even thinking about it.

I am not saying there is something inherently evil or wrong with itching. It's just that all my life when it came to the other pleasures of the body it seems as if I had no control. If I got an urge weather it was to eat, have sex, drink, smoke or whatever the urge may be that seemed to bring me physical pleasure, I would set my mind to satisfy that urge at any cost without really event thinking about it.

My body still has a way of stirring up tastes, smells and experiences that try and keep me enslaved to pleasing it in some fashion. It is in cahoots with my mind and they work together to try and recreate experiences, memories, feelings and passions that translate into temptation. When I saw this I was amazed. It was like watching a thief that didn't know he was being watched. He goes about his stealing showing you all his tricks and all you can say is "So that's how he does it!" Some of his tactics are quite elaborate but a lot of his tactics are simple and you can't help but wonder how he ever got away with it for so long. It's simple, when you don't pay attention, when you are not awake then everything is complicated. The Buddha stressed mindfulness and attention which lead to insight and this is how to discover how and why things are the way they are.

My body, our bodies, are like memory foam. The body remembers and uses those pleasurable feelings as fuel for the fire of greed, hatred and delusion.

Free Yourself!

2007-12-21T14:10:00.000-05:00

Slowly I am coming to better understand what it means to be my own refuge. In a world that is so chaotic and where I am so vulnerable and helpless the idea of me being my only hope for enlightenment can be frightening to say the least. With all my weaknesses and faults It can be hard not to sink into despair, for if my spiritual deliverance is to be self realized I hardly have anything good to work with to make such a journey. However, looking at the great gains I have made in spite of my perceived frailties I am empowered that it can happen; that I can free myself; That salvation is just around the corner.

The Buddha says the following:
"And thus O monks, have you long undergone suffering, undergone torment, undergone misfortune, and filled the grave yard full verily, long enough to be dissatisfied with all the forms of existence, long enough to turn away and free yourselves from them all."

I can personally say that as each day passes I "grow more dissatisfied with all forms of existence". Giving up on salvation is not an option because the result will just be the same cycle of suffering. I have to strive, strive, strive.

Living the house holders life is difficult and it is hard to make spiritual development a priority. The only quiet time that I get alone to practice meditation is early in the morning or late at night. Unfortunately I don't like to stay up late and it is hard getting up early! However, these are obstacles that I can overcome, I just have to want it bad enough and to be patient and understand that no matter how bad I want to attain enlightenment it may not even happen in this life time! However, I have to press on as if it were just around the corner; calling out to me to be free.

Love

2007-12-11T14:17:00.000-05:00

This is a poem from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran

Love

Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.
And he raised his head and looked upon
the people, and there fell a stillness upon
them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to
him,
Though the sword hidden among his
pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in
him,
though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he
crucify you. Even as he is for your growth
so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and
caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and
shake them in their clinging to the earth.
like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto
himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred
fire, that you may become sacred bread for
God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of
your heart, and in that knowledge become a
fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only
love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover
your nakedness and pass out of love's
threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you
shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,
and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes
naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be
possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say,
"God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course
of love, for love, if it finds you worthy,
directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil
itself.
But if you love and must needs have
desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook
that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding
of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate
loves ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the
beloved in your heart and a song of praise
upon your lips.

TV Mind

2007-12-06T12:28:00.000-05:00

This morning I discovered why Television is so appealing to me. Anyone that knows me knows that once my eyes lock in on the TV my attention is impossible to divide. I realized today that the day dreaming, thinking, wishing, fantasizing, ego building and everything else, be it positive or negative, that I do in my mind is like watching a movie in HD TV.

The crazy thing is how everything plays out in full HD like quality in my mind. Crazier still is how I attach myself to these thoughts and imaginings that in most cases seem more like an independent film that has been created without any input or assistance from me at all! In addition I become attached to something that is transient, comes and goes and is impermanent.

So I realized that TV is nothing more than the recreation of how my mind works and this is what gives it its appeal. I have nothing to do with what is put on the TV yet I am attached to it and my concept of self, ego and emotions are all manipulated by an imaginary world.

The thoughts I have are just thoughts," not mine, not I, not a self" but I attach myself to them in the same way. Somehow I have bought into the idea that random and transient thoughts are "me". If they are me then why is it no one else in the world sees me the way I do? For my thoughts for years have told me I am more special, more intelligent, better and more worthy than just about anyone. Why doesn't the rest of the world know that? The mind and reality mimic the actor and the character they portray. One is, in conventional terms, real and the other is not. Yet the one that is not real tends to convince the viewer and in some instances the actor that the character is real.

The reality is that neither the actor nor the character are permanent or "real" they just exist in a construct which is why it is all so convincing and all too easy to become attached to. That attachment; attachment to the impermanent is why I suffer. If I jumped out of an airplane hoping I will land softly in the big puffy clouds, as I pass through what appears to be a solid thing, the more I cling to the idea that these clouds would support me the greater my mental and physical suffering will be. Hopefully no one has let me jump without a parachute! Granted I have a parachute if I continue to cling to my ideal of how the world should be instead of how it is I will never deploy the parachute and I will suffer the consequences of clinging to clouds.

My mind is TV and TV is not real. Programs come and go, the electricity can go out, the feed may not come through, it may break down or become outdated.

Strange as this may sound just sit down and try to watch your mind without getting attached to what is happening and it will make more sense.

Catching it Now and not later

2007-11-29T10:24:00.000-05:00

I had a situation last night where I was very upset. Angry thoughts raced through my mind like race cars. I entertained them and dwelt on them until I was almost ready to explode. I caught myself and for a moment noticed what was happening to me. However, the emotions had gathered so much momentum and I was so carried away by my hateful thoughts and desires the last thing I wanted to do was be mindful and calm, instead there was indulging and imagining what I would say, how I would say it and I assured myself if challenged I would win.

I retreated and locked myself in a room knowing I was in no shape to talk to anyone without saying something I would regret. If I even came close to saying what I was thinking It had the potential to cause permanent damage to any relationship.

After a while I replayed all the events in my mind and better understood what happened and was better able to see how these angry thoughts and feelings effected me. In the future I need to fight to be more in the present moment instead of reflecting after the fact. I need to not only see what is happening while it is happening but learn to let it take its course without being affected by it. The New Testament says that believer are to be in the world but not of the world. The Buddha says we are to be the spoon in the curry pot. The spoon is in the curry but does not keep the taste of it.

This is Certainly easier said than done, but I have to start being more aggressive in my mediation on the cushion and how I apply that insight in my daily life.

Difficult it is to attain a peacful state of mind

2007-11-28T09:53:00.000-05:00

Meditation is hard, hard, hard work! The hardest thing is finding the balance between not forcing it and being too passive. In the last three years I feel like I have accomplished simply the thought of taking one single step and have yet to get to the point where I have taken one single step on the journey. This may sound discouraging but it really is not. I have seen my life transformed from what I have attained thus far! Imagine what awaits me when I really start taking steps!

Why Autumn is so appealingingly beautiful

2007-11-23T14:18:00.000-05:00

For those of us who live in parts of the world that experience all four seasons Autumn is the favorite for many. I don't want to make this post too long so I'll just say why think this season is so appealingly beautiful for me and so many others as well.

We all know, weather consciously or subconsciously, that Autumn is the season when all the living green leaves of the trees turn to the most beautiful shades of dying and death. We all know the leaves are dying but the beauty of their death makes the change and dying of summer acceptable and is necessary for the rebirth of Spring and Summers to come in the future.

Autumn brings dignity to an event few of us can bare or understand and it is nature's way of showing us how to die with grace, dignity and beauty. We all know that death is inevitable, there is no way to escape the demise and eventual destruction of the human body. As the seasons change the cold and frosty air that proceeds the final death that winter brings upon us is difficult and full of discomfort. No part of death is easy but understood in the context of being part of the cycle of life brings understanding tot he process.

We should learn to live to die. If we did we would live better lives. Living with the understanding that we are going to die and could die at any moment can lead us to live our alive moments like nature lives Spring and Summer. When our season comes to an end we can transition in a manner that inspires beauty and grace in the hearts and minds of those who observe our demise.

Give the other car some room

2007-11-21T11:19:00.000-05:00

When I am driving I always try to leave room for other drivers to pull in front of me if they need to change lanes. This exercise, which unfortunately drives other drives behind me insane, helps me in my personal life as well.

As I struggle to be a more patient person I find that this act of giving people room helps me not to jump to conclusions or get so angry. It also helps me to learn to slow down and not be in such a rush; I'll get there.

As Thanksgiving is upon us I am thankful for loved ones and family and will try to give them room as well. Sometimes I can treat family worse than a stranger so I'll try to leave the lane open for any one that needs to pull ahead, including those I may not want to.

Happy Thanksgiving,

May you be well, happy and peaceful!

The fire that rages

2007-11-10T20:19:00.000-05:00

There are many things I have read and understand from a theoretical point of view. However, nothing drives a theory home like practice. Through meditation practice I am able to grasp the "book sense" if you will. I have learned today that the fires of passion, rage, anger and lust can never be satisfied. All my life I have been trained and conditioned to try and satisfy these fires at all cost but no matter how hard I try I am never satisfied. Even when I am satisfied I am unsatisfied.

When will I ever be able to say, "Today I was angrier than I have ever been! I have received all there is to get from anger and I am satisfied. I should never have the need for anger again." I have never once said, "That sexual experience was so satisfying that I will never need to have sex again." I have never said, "That girl's body looked so nice in that two piece swim suit I will never have to lust again, my lust has been fully satisfied." It is quite the contrary, the complete opposite. It is the nature of unsatisfactory life. Desire feeds on itself and even when I think I'm tired of something I just go find something else or another version of it. Thus the fire burns and burns and burns and no amount of gratification or suppression will quench it.

I know through what I have read and studied what the source is to all of this burning and what must be done to eliminate it. But my purpose of this post is not to discuss the cause which is ignorance. This post is my documentation of a break through in my practice. I have seen it, I realize the nature of this unsatisfactoriness of existence and seeing it drives me toward freedom.

The 4:00 am fog and the bull horn of random thinking

2007-11-09T06:44:00.001-05:00

I have never really been a morning person but for the last two weeks I have been able to get up at 4:00 am and meditate. This has been an on and off again attempt at rising early but like I said for the last two weeks I've been steady. This is the only time of the day that I can really be alone but it is soooooooo hard! One thing that makes it a little easier is the fact I get absolute silence. The first frost has sent all the birds and insects either to their grave or to other lands. While I love them all and wish them all well they can be quite noisy friends.

But I continue to struggle with trying to stay awake while sitting cross legged with my eyes closed. So I often find myself walking the thin line between the dream world and being awake. Many times, more often than I'd like to admit, I easily cross over into dream land. I know this is one of the hindrances to mental cultivation and I am noticing where and how I am making progress. Mindfulness is the most powerful tool to overcome this hindrance. Being aware prevents the onset of drowsiness. When awareness slips it is awareness that gently brings me back. Awareness/Mindfulness is a difficult state of mind to attain but so very powerful.

Another challenge is how loud the thoughts in my head can be. When there is no external noise the internal noise can be defining. It has a heavy and burdensome characteristic. The best way I have found to deal with this is not to try and tune it out (it just gets louder) and ignoring it is like whacking a hornet's nest with a stick. instead I walk toward the noise, curious but disinterested and most important Mindful. I want to know where this is coming from and the true nature of it(insight) but the trick is not to grab on to the thoughts(craving). I liken these out of control random thoughts to getting on and off a million escalators which represent thoughts. All you have to do is step on the escalator, this action of steeping on represents craving, and the escalator or thoughts will do the rest. They just take you for a ride and once you get to the top you get on the next one. On the way up or down you pass through all kinds of crazy scenes and re create reality through fantasy. You imagine all kinds of things and then act them out when you get back to the real world.

So what I try to do is to observe the escalator and the experience without getting attached which is far, far easier said than done! I read the directory and find out where this escalator is going. "Top floor: Lust. passion, hate, desire, anger." Now here's the thing, I have been training my mind for years to ignore reality and see life the way I think it should be instead of how it really is. Therefore figuratively speaking I really never get off the escalator!But with mindfulness I see what is happening a little better. The mindfulness leads to insight. It's almost how Neo was able to see bullets being fired at him in the movie the Matrix. I see them coming and I am better equipped not to attach myself to them. I see the true nature of those thoughts. They are not real the are impermanent and manufactured by my ego. They come and go but, when one comes along that is particularly appealing that is when Mindfulness gets thrown out and where ego, alternate reality, and delusion fill the void. Only mindfulness can bring me back.

This post is getting long so I'll pick this up again next week. Have a good weekend.

All Things to All Men

2007-11-08T09:33:00.000-05:00

There is a famous quote that says "I am all things to all men". It comes from the New Testament book I Corinthians 9:22. Paul is talking to the church at Corinth about how Christian workers should be compensated. In that discussion he talks about how he adapts to the people he encounters in order to bring them to Christ. He says "To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. Vrs 22-23.

Paul's process is certainly one to be admired because he made a strong effort to become one with the people and to meet them where they are. I think this is a certainly a good way to approach world peace and unity. One should, in a sense, become all things to all people in order to help them understand, or to see the light if you will, that we all can learn something from each other.

When asked if he was a Hindu Gandhi put it this way "Yes I am, I am also a Muslim, a Christian, a Buddhist, and a Jew" and regarding the Muslim faith he said "The sayings of Muhammad are a treasure of wisdom not only for Muslims but for all of mankind"

My point in writing all of this is that I consider my spiritual development the same way. I know it drives religious hard liners insane to think of all religions being viewed as equal. After all there can only be one true religion right? I once shared the view that I had the only true religion so I know how upsetting it can be when others do not share that view point. As I go along on my spiritual journey It becomes more clear to me that all living beings are bound by the reality that we all must and will die. This is something we all share, from the insect to the human. We all have fear and worry about our mortality and many find comfort in their faith that tells them there is a better place when life ends. However, If we thought about our mortality a little more often and realized how it binds us we may be less eager to make war or cause pain to any living thing. We will leave the after life to the one or ones who decide or do not decide such things.

I'm sure to some this sounds like I've been a little too long on the peace pipe and it's easy to write off such ideals as just hippie or new age talk (although there is nothing "new" about new age thought). However, examining the reality of mortality and how delicate life is can reveal a truth that leads to compassion and universal loving kindness toward all living things.

I can say like Gandhi that I am Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, Jewish etc. On the surface this may seem like a contradiction but I have slowly come to realize how this is possible. It is because I am nothing that anything and everything is possible. Because there is no permanent self that I can locate I am free not to be and that allows me in essence to be whatever is there. I am never the same person, being, or entity for one moment. I may have memories of childhood, my first kiss, when I lost my virginity etc. but no physical part of me that existed then currently exists now. For me to be attached to the experience and the memory is what causes my suffering, regret, anxiety, but the reality is that all of what I thought was me during those experiences no longer exists.

This does not mean that I escape the consequences, good or bad, of my actions but it makes you certainly wonder if you can. One can't help but rethink the nature of reality and what one thought it was. This is enlightenment. To see things as they are leads to letting go and no longer grasping at things that no longer exist.

Mentally it is difficult to grasp because my mind wants to hold on to something that is permanent. I tell myself I am set in my ways and that I'll never change but this is not true. And not simply from a philosophical point of view but because it is impossible for anything living to remain the same for one moment.

This can be a pretty hard pill to swallow for so many reasons. For anyone who has been abused it is hard to imagine that the body that was once violated no longer exists in the same way it did at the time of the abuse. The mental scars are ever so real and the mind keeps saying "I", "me", 'myself" and if the abuse was something that mutilated the body than it can be nearly impossible for one to grasp because the evidence of a self that suffered is so overwhelming. This concept is not something that sits on the surface. It takes a great deal of digging because the mind has spent all its life constructing an alternate reality of permanent ego, an eternal I and a special and different unique me concept.

This is what I am learning and it may not be for everyone. Now back to the topic of other religions.This view of non self allows me to understand that only an ego would promote the idea of acceptance or tolerance. By promoting tolerance of other religions I essentially say I am somebody above the experience of life and the dynamics of life and somehow above others and when I give my blessing to a particular religion or point of view then it somehow is OK. I am nothing. I am just a mass of every evolving and changing phenomena. Who and what am I to say what religion is right or wrong, good or not as good, acceptable or unacceptable? There are points of view that are comfortable saying this way or that way is the only way and what happens is division, unrest and eventually loss of life. Realizing this non self is what is special. The realization is what is solid, real and eternal not the thing that realizes it. There is no thinker behind the thought; the thought is the thinker.

This is the road my meditations and examining is taking and the less me I find the more peace there is in this experience.

It's hard to hate when this could be your last breath

2007-11-07T05:29:00.000-05:00

In theh Mahasatipatthana Sutta the Buddha says "Monks, this is the one and only way for the purification of the minds of beings, for overcoming sorrow and lamentation for the cessation of physical and mental pain, for attainment of the Noble paths; and for the realization of Nibbana. That only way is the four satipatthanas. What are these four?, Here in this teaching, monks a monk dwells perceiving again and again the body as just the body...feeling as just feeling...mind as just the mind...mental objects as just mental objects (not mine, not I, not a self, but just a phenomenon)"

This sutra then goes on in great detail how one is to practice understanding these four areas. This month I have been practicing the awareness of the body which the Buddha addresses in six categories. 1. Awareness of breathing 2. Body postures, 3.Clear understanding, 4. impurities of the body, 5. elements of the body, 6. the nine stages of a corpse.

I began this month reading and meditation on the first of the four satipatthanas which his the awareness of the body. So far this has been a powerful experience. It is difficult to become angry or upset by petty things when I am aware that this body is impermanent, not a permanent self but only a combination of various events. That not only my body but others body as well. We all share the same make up and the same eventual fate of death. It's hard, dare I say impossible to have ill feelings for either myself or others when I am aware of this fact.

The thing I find so powerful about this is that you do not experiecne this through someone else. You can't grasp this through blind faith it must be experienced first hand through practice and experience. This practice is truly one of those, "you'll have to see for yourself" experiences.

More on this later