How deep does craving go?

There is something called memory foam. I have seen it advertised in pillows, mattresses and cushions, where the foam forms to the contours of the body and "remembers" you.

The body is kind of like memory foam as well and during one of my meditations I realized just how deep craving and memories go. Memories are not just confined to the brain but it appears that they also are stored in the body as well. Here is what I mean. I was sitting in meditation when I observed an itch arising on my side. It was in perfect striking distance for a good scratch and before I knew it I was fantasizing about getting a good scratch in to relieve this itch.

However, instead of breaking my posture I gently observed the itch phenomena. I watched how it grew and retracted increasing and decreasing in intensity. I observed my breathing start to quicken and my thoughts beginning to race with anticipation. I watched and watched until the itch went away. Now this is not the first time I have done this, however in a past experience long after the itch was gone I reached over anyway to scratch it and even though it seemed like it was there it wasn't. It was weired because the itch was seemingly still there to scratch even though I knew it was gone and when I went to scratch it the scratch brought no relief; I might has well have just scratched the air.

I noted this when it happened and since itching is pretty common during meditation I figured one day I would have the opportunity to deal with this again but now I would take on this "body memory"phenomena as a subject to gain insight into what this meant.

So now here I was again with the itch and I was going to see if I would experience the same thing i did before. After the itch had passed I keenly observed what was happening next. It appeared that even though the itch was gone, my body was remembering the event and still longing for the scratch even though a scratch was no longer necessary. It was amazing to me because independent of any thinking the body was having a memory and a "craving" completely on its own. This brought to mind the Maha Satipattana Sutta where the Buddha teaches how to observe the true nature of the body "And how Bhikkhus does a bhikkhu dwell perceiving again and again the body as just the body, not mine, not I, not self but just a phenomena?" It became instantly clear to me, through experience, that craving is so deeply rooted in the body that it can condition itself to expect instant gratification once it contacts the mind. Subconsciously when I get an itch I instantly respond to scratch it and experience a great feeling of relief which happens over and over again without even thinking about it.

I am not saying there is something inherently evil or wrong with itching. It's just that all my life when it came to the other pleasures of the body it seems as if I had no control. If I got an urge weather it was to eat, have sex, drink, smoke or whatever the urge may be that seemed to bring me physical pleasure, I would set my mind to satisfy that urge at any cost without really event thinking about it.

My body still has a way of stirring up tastes, smells and experiences that try and keep me enslaved to pleasing it in some fashion. It is in cahoots with my mind and they work together to try and recreate experiences, memories, feelings and passions that translate into temptation. When I saw this I was amazed. It was like watching a thief that didn't know he was being watched. He goes about his stealing showing you all his tricks and all you can say is "So that's how he does it!" Some of his tactics are quite elaborate but a lot of his tactics are simple and you can't help but wonder how he ever got away with it for so long. It's simple, when you don't pay attention, when you are not awake then everything is complicated. The Buddha stressed mindfulness and attention which lead to insight and this is how to discover how and why things are the way they are.

My body, our bodies, are like memory foam. The body remembers and uses those pleasurable feelings as fuel for the fire of greed, hatred and delusion.

Free Yourself!

Slowly I am coming to better understand what it means to be my own refuge. In a world that is so chaotic and where I am so vulnerable and helpless the idea of me being my only hope for enlightenment can be frightening to say the least. With all my weaknesses and faults It can be hard not to sink into despair, for if my spiritual deliverance is to be self realized I hardly have anything good to work with to make such a journey. However, looking at the great gains I have made in spite of my perceived frailties I am empowered that it can happen; that I can free myself; That salvation is just around the corner.

The Buddha says the following:
"And thus O monks, have you long undergone suffering, undergone torment, undergone misfortune, and filled the grave yard full verily, long enough to be dissatisfied with all the forms of existence, long enough to turn away and free yourselves from them all."

I can personally say that as each day passes I "grow more dissatisfied with all forms of existence". Giving up on salvation is not an option because the result will just be the same cycle of suffering. I have to strive, strive, strive.

Living the house holders life is difficult and it is hard to make spiritual development a priority. The only quiet time that I get alone to practice meditation is early in the morning or late at night. Unfortunately I don't like to stay up late and it is hard getting up early! However, these are obstacles that I can overcome, I just have to want it bad enough and to be patient and understand that no matter how bad I want to attain enlightenment it may not even happen in this life time! However, I have to press on as if it were just around the corner; calling out to me to be free.

Love

This is a poem from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran

Love

Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.
And he raised his head and looked upon
the people, and there fell a stillness upon
them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to
him,
Though the sword hidden among his
pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in
him,
though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he
crucify you. Even as he is for your growth
so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and
caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and
shake them in their clinging to the earth.
like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto
himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred
fire, that you may become sacred bread for
God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of
your heart, and in that knowledge become a
fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only
love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover
your nakedness and pass out of love's
threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you
shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,
and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes
naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be
possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say,
"God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course
of love, for love, if it finds you worthy,
directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil
itself.
But if you love and must needs have
desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook
that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding
of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate
loves ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the
beloved in your heart and a song of praise
upon your lips.

TV Mind

This morning I discovered why Television is so appealing to me. Anyone that knows me knows that once my eyes lock in on the TV my attention is impossible to divide. I realized today that the day dreaming, thinking, wishing, fantasizing, ego building and everything else, be it positive or negative, that I do in my mind is like watching a movie in HD TV.

The crazy thing is how everything plays out in full HD like quality in my mind. Crazier still is how I attach myself to these thoughts and imaginings that in most cases seem more like an independent film that has been created without any input or assistance from me at all! In addition I become attached to something that is transient, comes and goes and is impermanent.

So I realized that TV is nothing more than the recreation of how my mind works and this is what gives it its appeal. I have nothing to do with what is put on the TV yet I am attached to it and my concept of self, ego and emotions are all manipulated by an imaginary world.

The thoughts I have are just thoughts," not mine, not I, not a self" but I attach myself to them in the same way. Somehow I have bought into the idea that random and transient thoughts are "me". If they are me then why is it no one else in the world sees me the way I do? For my thoughts for years have told me I am more special, more intelligent, better and more worthy than just about anyone. Why doesn't the rest of the world know that? The mind and reality mimic the actor and the character they portray. One is, in conventional terms, real and the other is not. Yet the one that is not real tends to convince the viewer and in some instances the actor that the character is real.

The reality is that neither the actor nor the character are permanent or "real" they just exist in a construct which is why it is all so convincing and all too easy to become attached to. That attachment; attachment to the impermanent is why I suffer. If I jumped out of an airplane hoping I will land softly in the big puffy clouds, as I pass through what appears to be a solid thing, the more I cling to the idea that these clouds would support me the greater my mental and physical suffering will be. Hopefully no one has let me jump without a parachute! Granted I have a parachute if I continue to cling to my ideal of how the world should be instead of how it is I will never deploy the parachute and I will suffer the consequences of clinging to clouds.

My mind is TV and TV is not real. Programs come and go, the electricity can go out, the feed may not come through, it may break down or become outdated.

Strange as this may sound just sit down and try to watch your mind without getting attached to what is happening and it will make more sense.