Seeing

I saw something this morning during meditation. While sitting on the cushion in my shrine room, my mind started to wander away from my breath and I began thinking about a situation that has come about in my life and has been bothering me a great deal. As my mind fixated on this unpleasant situation I started to do what I have conditioned myself to do since I can remember. I began telling myself alternate stories by creating hypothetical scenarios in my mind. In every mental scenario I was the victim and I was the one who was the good guy. I was feeding into my self righteous ego and once again telling myself in a sanctified way how good I am and how bad “they” are.

As I fed into these delusions, out of the periphery of my conscious I saw something very clearly and I began to direct my attention there. I observed that anger, hatred and envy were strongly present in me and it was then that I resolved to calmly observe what has happening. The rush of negative emotion began to slow down somewhat and I observed and acknowledged that these were just feelings and that they were impermanent. However, as I watched them come and go I noticed that they were still with me and as one hateful feeling passed it seemed to give rise to another new feeling and they just kept coming. As I calmly watched it seemed as if time began to stand still. The construct that is feeling and emotion which normally moves at the speed of light was suddenly moving in slow motion. I could plainly see that it was my craving and clinging to these emotions that gave rise and new life to what seemed like a never ending rushing flood of negative emotion.

I finished my meditation with a sense of knowing that I had never experienced before that moment. However, it wasn’t long after that I was in a situation where I was very angry. In spite of that situation I find great comfort in what I achieved on the cushion. For the first time I was absolutely sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that as I grow stronger on the cushion I will grow stronger when I am off of it. In time I will be able to catch these emotions long before they mature and eventually I will lift the veil of ignorance and free myself from my self imposed prison of delusion.