The stroires I tell myself

“Tell me a story.” Those of us who have children are no strangers to this request made by our children before they go to bed at night. We tell them stories to bring comfort, safety and possibly provide them with content for sweet dreams. I think back to the bed time stories I read to my daughter when she was a small child. She loved Goodnight Moon, Guess How Much I Love You, Runaway Bunny and practically any book from the Margret Wise Brown collection. I read these stories to her hoping to convey messages about how the world works, how I feel about her and to give her a sense of innocence that I wanted her to keep for as long as possible.

During my morning meditation I had a chance to see that it wasn’t just my daughter that I told stories to. In past meditations when my attention turned away from the breath to my wandering thoughts I would simply get lost in the phantasmagoric scenes. However, Once I realized I was day dreaming I would return to my breath not fully aware of what just happened. However, this morning it became crystal clear to me that I was indeed telling myself stories. In a rare instance I actually watched these thoughts rise, peak and fade. For the first time I actually observed the content and I realized that these stories were like the fairy tales I used to tell my daughter only I was the main character and the stories I put myself in were nowhere even close to reflecting reality. It was like watching something sinister take place, a little devil on my shoulder moment. I gained some insight today that I have gone through life as a “fictional” character that exists in my head but not outside of it and suddenly many things that I understood intellectually about the ego was revealed in a more tangible way through practice.

I found this very interesting and marveled at how easy it was for me “get into character.” I was immediately flooded with questions, “how long had this been going on?” “Is this how I get by in life when things don’t go my way?” “I just mentally recreate reality so I can feel better about a situation?” “Is this what I do when I am making breakfast, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, driving to work or doing anything that can be done on auto pilot?” This was quite a revelation, I had come face to face with delusion and I got the feeling I haven’t even scratched the surface yet “How deep does this go?” I wondered.

This is something I intend to watch in meditation and as much as possible when I am off the cushion as well. I realized today that for years I have been telling myself some real “fishing stories” and I have certainly fallen victim to believing my own press. I think the hardest part was not being judgmental. I have to remember that this process of discovery will reveal things that are not really comfortable, but after all I am all I have to work with. I can’t beat myself down and expect to get results. All and all I hope I can start telling fewer stories.

May you be well, happy and peaceful!