How deep does craving go?

There is something called memory foam. I have seen it advertised in pillows, mattresses and cushions, where the foam forms to the contours of the body and "remembers" you.

The body is kind of like memory foam as well and during one of my meditations I realized just how deep craving and memories go. Memories are not just confined to the brain but it appears that they also are stored in the body as well. Here is what I mean. I was sitting in meditation when I observed an itch arising on my side. It was in perfect striking distance for a good scratch and before I knew it I was fantasizing about getting a good scratch in to relieve this itch.

However, instead of breaking my posture I gently observed the itch phenomena. I watched how it grew and retracted increasing and decreasing in intensity. I observed my breathing start to quicken and my thoughts beginning to race with anticipation. I watched and watched until the itch went away. Now this is not the first time I have done this, however in a past experience long after the itch was gone I reached over anyway to scratch it and even though it seemed like it was there it wasn't. It was weired because the itch was seemingly still there to scratch even though I knew it was gone and when I went to scratch it the scratch brought no relief; I might has well have just scratched the air.

I noted this when it happened and since itching is pretty common during meditation I figured one day I would have the opportunity to deal with this again but now I would take on this "body memory"phenomena as a subject to gain insight into what this meant.

So now here I was again with the itch and I was going to see if I would experience the same thing i did before. After the itch had passed I keenly observed what was happening next. It appeared that even though the itch was gone, my body was remembering the event and still longing for the scratch even though a scratch was no longer necessary. It was amazing to me because independent of any thinking the body was having a memory and a "craving" completely on its own. This brought to mind the Maha Satipattana Sutta where the Buddha teaches how to observe the true nature of the body "And how Bhikkhus does a bhikkhu dwell perceiving again and again the body as just the body, not mine, not I, not self but just a phenomena?" It became instantly clear to me, through experience, that craving is so deeply rooted in the body that it can condition itself to expect instant gratification once it contacts the mind. Subconsciously when I get an itch I instantly respond to scratch it and experience a great feeling of relief which happens over and over again without even thinking about it.

I am not saying there is something inherently evil or wrong with itching. It's just that all my life when it came to the other pleasures of the body it seems as if I had no control. If I got an urge weather it was to eat, have sex, drink, smoke or whatever the urge may be that seemed to bring me physical pleasure, I would set my mind to satisfy that urge at any cost without really event thinking about it.

My body still has a way of stirring up tastes, smells and experiences that try and keep me enslaved to pleasing it in some fashion. It is in cahoots with my mind and they work together to try and recreate experiences, memories, feelings and passions that translate into temptation. When I saw this I was amazed. It was like watching a thief that didn't know he was being watched. He goes about his stealing showing you all his tricks and all you can say is "So that's how he does it!" Some of his tactics are quite elaborate but a lot of his tactics are simple and you can't help but wonder how he ever got away with it for so long. It's simple, when you don't pay attention, when you are not awake then everything is complicated. The Buddha stressed mindfulness and attention which lead to insight and this is how to discover how and why things are the way they are.

My body, our bodies, are like memory foam. The body remembers and uses those pleasurable feelings as fuel for the fire of greed, hatred and delusion.

Free Yourself!

Slowly I am coming to better understand what it means to be my own refuge. In a world that is so chaotic and where I am so vulnerable and helpless the idea of me being my only hope for enlightenment can be frightening to say the least. With all my weaknesses and faults It can be hard not to sink into despair, for if my spiritual deliverance is to be self realized I hardly have anything good to work with to make such a journey. However, looking at the great gains I have made in spite of my perceived frailties I am empowered that it can happen; that I can free myself; That salvation is just around the corner.

The Buddha says the following:
"And thus O monks, have you long undergone suffering, undergone torment, undergone misfortune, and filled the grave yard full verily, long enough to be dissatisfied with all the forms of existence, long enough to turn away and free yourselves from them all."

I can personally say that as each day passes I "grow more dissatisfied with all forms of existence". Giving up on salvation is not an option because the result will just be the same cycle of suffering. I have to strive, strive, strive.

Living the house holders life is difficult and it is hard to make spiritual development a priority. The only quiet time that I get alone to practice meditation is early in the morning or late at night. Unfortunately I don't like to stay up late and it is hard getting up early! However, these are obstacles that I can overcome, I just have to want it bad enough and to be patient and understand that no matter how bad I want to attain enlightenment it may not even happen in this life time! However, I have to press on as if it were just around the corner; calling out to me to be free.

Love

This is a poem from "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran

Love

Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.
And he raised his head and looked upon
the people, and there fell a stillness upon
them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to
him,
Though the sword hidden among his
pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in
him,
though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he
crucify you. Even as he is for your growth
so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and
caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and
shake them in their clinging to the earth.
like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto
himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred
fire, that you may become sacred bread for
God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of
your heart, and in that knowledge become a
fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only
love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover
your nakedness and pass out of love's
threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you
shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,
and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes
naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be
possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say,
"God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course
of love, for love, if it finds you worthy,
directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil
itself.
But if you love and must needs have
desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook
that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding
of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart
and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate
loves ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the
beloved in your heart and a song of praise
upon your lips.

TV Mind

This morning I discovered why Television is so appealing to me. Anyone that knows me knows that once my eyes lock in on the TV my attention is impossible to divide. I realized today that the day dreaming, thinking, wishing, fantasizing, ego building and everything else, be it positive or negative, that I do in my mind is like watching a movie in HD TV.

The crazy thing is how everything plays out in full HD like quality in my mind. Crazier still is how I attach myself to these thoughts and imaginings that in most cases seem more like an independent film that has been created without any input or assistance from me at all! In addition I become attached to something that is transient, comes and goes and is impermanent.

So I realized that TV is nothing more than the recreation of how my mind works and this is what gives it its appeal. I have nothing to do with what is put on the TV yet I am attached to it and my concept of self, ego and emotions are all manipulated by an imaginary world.

The thoughts I have are just thoughts," not mine, not I, not a self" but I attach myself to them in the same way. Somehow I have bought into the idea that random and transient thoughts are "me". If they are me then why is it no one else in the world sees me the way I do? For my thoughts for years have told me I am more special, more intelligent, better and more worthy than just about anyone. Why doesn't the rest of the world know that? The mind and reality mimic the actor and the character they portray. One is, in conventional terms, real and the other is not. Yet the one that is not real tends to convince the viewer and in some instances the actor that the character is real.

The reality is that neither the actor nor the character are permanent or "real" they just exist in a construct which is why it is all so convincing and all too easy to become attached to. That attachment; attachment to the impermanent is why I suffer. If I jumped out of an airplane hoping I will land softly in the big puffy clouds, as I pass through what appears to be a solid thing, the more I cling to the idea that these clouds would support me the greater my mental and physical suffering will be. Hopefully no one has let me jump without a parachute! Granted I have a parachute if I continue to cling to my ideal of how the world should be instead of how it is I will never deploy the parachute and I will suffer the consequences of clinging to clouds.

My mind is TV and TV is not real. Programs come and go, the electricity can go out, the feed may not come through, it may break down or become outdated.

Strange as this may sound just sit down and try to watch your mind without getting attached to what is happening and it will make more sense.

Catching it Now and not later

I had a situation last night where I was very upset. Angry thoughts raced through my mind like race cars. I entertained them and dwelt on them until I was almost ready to explode. I caught myself and for a moment noticed what was happening to me. However, the emotions had gathered so much momentum and I was so carried away by my hateful thoughts and desires the last thing I wanted to do was be mindful and calm, instead there was indulging and imagining what I would say, how I would say it and I assured myself if challenged I would win.

I retreated and locked myself in a room knowing I was in no shape to talk to anyone without saying something I would regret. If I even came close to saying what I was thinking It had the potential to cause permanent damage to any relationship.

After a while I replayed all the events in my mind and better understood what happened and was better able to see how these angry thoughts and feelings effected me. In the future I need to fight to be more in the present moment instead of reflecting after the fact. I need to not only see what is happening while it is happening but learn to let it take its course without being affected by it. The New Testament says that believer are to be in the world but not of the world. The Buddha says we are to be the spoon in the curry pot. The spoon is in the curry but does not keep the taste of it.

This is Certainly easier said than done, but I have to start being more aggressive in my mediation on the cushion and how I apply that insight in my daily life.

Difficult it is to attain a peacful state of mind

Meditation is hard, hard, hard work! The hardest thing is finding the balance between not forcing it and being too passive. In the last three years I feel like I have accomplished simply the thought of taking one single step and have yet to get to the point where I have taken one single step on the journey. This may sound discouraging but it really is not. I have seen my life transformed from what I have attained thus far! Imagine what awaits me when I really start taking steps!

Why Autumn is so appealingingly beautiful

For those of us who live in parts of the world that experience all four seasons Autumn is the favorite for many. I don't want to make this post too long so I'll just say why think this season is so appealingly beautiful for me and so many others as well.

We all know, weather consciously or subconsciously, that Autumn is the season when all the living green leaves of the trees turn to the most beautiful shades of dying and death. We all know the leaves are dying but the beauty of their death makes the change and dying of summer acceptable and is necessary for the rebirth of Spring and Summers to come in the future.


Autumn brings dignity to an event few of us can bare or understand and it is nature's way of showing us how to die with grace, dignity and beauty. We all know that death is inevitable, there is no way to escape the demise and eventual destruction of the human body. As the seasons change the cold and frosty air that proceeds the final death that winter brings upon us is difficult and full of discomfort. No part of death is easy but understood in the context of being part of the cycle of life brings understanding tot he process.

We should learn to live to die. If we did we would live better lives. Living with the understanding that we are going to die and could die at any moment can lead us to live our alive moments like nature lives Spring and Summer. When our season comes to an end we can transition in a manner that inspires beauty and grace in the hearts and minds of those who observe our demise.

Give the other car some room

When I am driving I always try to leave room for other drivers to pull in front of me if they need to change lanes. This exercise, which unfortunately drives other drives behind me insane, helps me in my personal life as well.

As I struggle to be a more patient person I find that this act of giving people room helps me not to jump to conclusions or get so angry. It also helps me to learn to slow down and not be in such a rush; I'll get there.

As Thanksgiving is upon us I am thankful for loved ones and family and will try to give them room as well. Sometimes I can treat family worse than a stranger so I'll try to leave the lane open for any one that needs to pull ahead, including those I may not want to.

Happy Thanksgiving,

May you be well, happy and peaceful!

The fire that rages

There are many things I have read and understand from a theoretical point of view. However, nothing drives a theory home like practice. Through meditation practice I am able to grasp the "book sense" if you will. I have learned today that the fires of passion, rage, anger and lust can never be satisfied. All my life I have been trained and conditioned to try and satisfy these fires at all cost but no matter how hard I try I am never satisfied. Even when I am satisfied I am unsatisfied.

When will I ever be able to say, "Today I was angrier than I have ever been! I have received all there is to get from anger and I am satisfied. I should never have the need for anger again." I have never once said, "That sexual experience was so satisfying that I will never need to have sex again." I have never said, "That girl's body looked so nice in that two piece swim suit I will never have to lust again, my lust has been fully satisfied." It is quite the contrary, the complete opposite. It is the nature of unsatisfactory life. Desire feeds on itself and even when I think I'm tired of something I just go find something else or another version of it. Thus the fire burns and burns and burns and no amount of gratification or suppression will quench it.

I know through what I have read and studied what the source is to all of this burning and what must be done to eliminate it. But my purpose of this post is not to discuss the cause which is ignorance. This post is my documentation of a break through in my practice. I have seen it, I realize the nature of this unsatisfactoriness of existence and seeing it drives me toward freedom.

The 4:00 am fog and the bull horn of random thinking

I have never really been a morning person but for the last two weeks I have been able to get up at 4:00 am and meditate. This has been an on and off again attempt at rising early but like I said for the last two weeks I've been steady. This is the only time of the day that I can really be alone but it is soooooooo hard! One thing that makes it a little easier is the fact I get absolute silence. The first frost has sent all the birds and insects either to their grave or to other lands. While I love them all and wish them all well they can be quite noisy friends.

But I continue to struggle with trying to stay awake while sitting cross legged with my eyes closed. So I often find myself walking the thin line between the dream world and being awake. Many times, more often than I'd like to admit, I easily cross over into dream land. I know this is one of the hindrances to mental cultivation and I am noticing where and how I am making progress. Mindfulness is the most powerful tool to overcome this hindrance. Being aware prevents the onset of drowsiness. When awareness slips it is awareness that gently brings me back. Awareness/Mindfulness is a difficult state of mind to attain but so very powerful.

Another challenge is how loud the thoughts in my head can be. When there is no external noise the internal noise can be defining. It has a heavy and burdensome characteristic. The best way I have found to deal with this is not to try and tune it out (it just gets louder) and ignoring it is like whacking a hornet's nest with a stick. instead I walk toward the noise, curious but disinterested and most important Mindful. I want to know where this is coming from and the true nature of it(insight) but the trick is not to grab on to the thoughts(craving). I liken these out of control random thoughts to getting on and off a million escalators which represent thoughts. All you have to do is step on the escalator, this action of steeping on represents craving, and the escalator or thoughts will do the rest. They just take you for a ride and once you get to the top you get on the next one. On the way up or down you pass through all kinds of crazy scenes and re create reality through fantasy. You imagine all kinds of things and then act them out when you get back to the real world.

So what I try to do is to observe the escalator and the experience without getting attached which is far, far easier said than done! I read the directory and find out where this escalator is going. "Top floor: Lust. passion, hate, desire, anger." Now here's the thing, I have been training my mind for years to ignore reality and see life the way I think it should be instead of how it really is. Therefore figuratively speaking I really never get off the escalator!But with mindfulness I see what is happening a little better. The mindfulness leads to insight. It's almost how Neo was able to see bullets being fired at him in the movie the Matrix. I see them coming and I am better equipped not to attach myself to them. I see the true nature of those thoughts. They are not real the are impermanent and manufactured by my ego. They come and go but, when one comes along that is particularly appealing that is when Mindfulness gets thrown out and where ego, alternate reality, and delusion fill the void. Only mindfulness can bring me back.

This post is getting long so I'll pick this up again next week. Have a good weekend.

All Things to All Men

There is a famous quote that says "I am all things to all men". It comes from the New Testament book I Corinthians 9:22. Paul is talking to the church at Corinth about how Christian workers should be compensated. In that discussion he talks about how he adapts to the people he encounters in order to bring them to Christ. He says "To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. Vrs 22-23.

Paul's process is certainly one to be admired because he made a strong effort to become one with the people and to meet them where they are. I think this is a certainly a good way to approach world peace and unity. One should, in a sense, become all things to all people in order to help them understand, or to see the light if you will, that we all can learn something from each other.

When asked if he was a Hindu Gandhi put it this way "Yes I am, I am also a Muslim, a Christian, a Buddhist, and a Jew" and regarding the Muslim faith he said "The sayings of Muhammad are a treasure of wisdom not only for Muslims but for all of mankind"

My point in writing all of this is that I consider my spiritual development the same way. I know it drives religious hard liners insane to think of all religions being viewed as equal. After all there can only be one true religion right? I once shared the view that I had the only true religion so I know how upsetting it can be when others do not share that view point. As I go along on my spiritual journey It becomes more clear to me that all living beings are bound by the reality that we all must and will die. This is something we all share, from the insect to the human. We all have fear and worry about our mortality and many find comfort in their faith that tells them there is a better place when life ends. However, If we thought about our mortality a little more often and realized how it binds us we may be less eager to make war or cause pain to any living thing. We will leave the after life to the one or ones who decide or do not decide such things.

I'm sure to some this sounds like I've been a little too long on the peace pipe and it's easy to write off such ideals as just hippie or new age talk (although there is nothing "new" about new age thought). However, examining the reality of mortality and how delicate life is can reveal a truth that leads to compassion and universal loving kindness toward all living things.

I can say like Gandhi that I am Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, Jewish etc. On the surface this may seem like a contradiction but I have slowly come to realize how this is possible. It is because I am nothing that anything and everything is possible. Because there is no permanent self that I can locate I am free not to be and that allows me in essence to be whatever is there. I am never the same person, being, or entity for one moment. I may have memories of childhood, my first kiss, when I lost my virginity etc. but no physical part of me that existed then currently exists now. For me to be attached to the experience and the memory is what causes my suffering, regret, anxiety, but the reality is that all of what I thought was me during those experiences no longer exists.

This does not mean that I escape the consequences, good or bad, of my actions but it makes you certainly wonder if you can. One can't help but rethink the nature of reality and what one thought it was. This is enlightenment. To see things as they are leads to letting go and no longer grasping at things that no longer exist.

Mentally it is difficult to grasp because my mind wants to hold on to something that is permanent. I tell myself I am set in my ways and that I'll never change but this is not true. And not simply from a philosophical point of view but because it is impossible for anything living to remain the same for one moment.

This can be a pretty hard pill to swallow for so many reasons. For anyone who has been abused it is hard to imagine that the body that was once violated no longer exists in the same way it did at the time of the abuse. The mental scars are ever so real and the mind keeps saying "I", "me", 'myself" and if the abuse was something that mutilated the body than it can be nearly impossible for one to grasp because the evidence of a self that suffered is so overwhelming. This concept is not something that sits on the surface. It takes a great deal of digging because the mind has spent all its life constructing an alternate reality of permanent ego, an eternal I and a special and different unique me concept.

This is what I am learning and it may not be for everyone. Now back to the topic of other religions.This view of non self allows me to understand that only an ego would promote the idea of acceptance or tolerance. By promoting tolerance of other religions I essentially say I am somebody above the experience of life and the dynamics of life and somehow above others and when I give my blessing to a particular religion or point of view then it somehow is OK. I am nothing. I am just a mass of every evolving and changing phenomena. Who and what am I to say what religion is right or wrong, good or not as good, acceptable or unacceptable? There are points of view that are comfortable saying this way or that way is the only way and what happens is division, unrest and eventually loss of life. Realizing this non self is what is special. The realization is what is solid, real and eternal not the thing that realizes it. There is no thinker behind the thought; the thought is the thinker.

This is the road my meditations and examining is taking and the less me I find the more peace there is in this experience.

It's hard to hate when this could be your last breath

In theh Mahasatipatthana Sutta the Buddha says "Monks, this is the one and only way for the purification of the minds of beings, for overcoming sorrow and lamentation for the cessation of physical and mental pain, for attainment of the Noble paths; and for the realization of Nibbana. That only way is the four satipatthanas. What are these four?, Here in this teaching, monks a monk dwells perceiving again and again the body as just the body...feeling as just feeling...mind as just the mind...mental objects as just mental objects (not mine, not I, not a self, but just a phenomenon)"

This sutra then goes on in great detail how one is to practice understanding these four areas. This month I have been practicing the awareness of the body which the Buddha addresses in six categories. 1. Awareness of breathing 2. Body postures, 3.Clear understanding, 4. impurities of the body, 5. elements of the body, 6. the nine stages of a corpse.

I began this month reading and meditation on the first of the four satipatthanas which his the awareness of the body. So far this has been a powerful experience. It is difficult to become angry or upset by petty things when I am aware that this body is impermanent, not a permanent self but only a combination of various events. That not only my body but others body as well. We all share the same make up and the same eventual fate of death. It's hard, dare I say impossible to have ill feelings for either myself or others when I am aware of this fact.

The thing I find so powerful about this is that you do not experiecne this through someone else. You can't grasp this through blind faith it must be experienced first hand through practice and experience. This practice is truly one of those, "you'll have to see for yourself" experiences.

More on this later